


Out of the Darkness

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 12:24:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How was it possible to let one big thing go while moving forward with all the small, wonderful things that happened in the same span of time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR VALHALLA, LAUREN, and IT TAKES A VILLAGE!!! I still choose to see Emily as an undercover FBI and not some secret agent but the story is still the same.

It was the third time she’d been there in as many months. Sighing, Emily put down the lilies and just stood. It was drizzling today, cold, but she didn’t care. She still couldn’t figure out why she was coming here; there was nothing left to do. She wasn’t sorry he was dead. 

He’d hurt so many people, including her. No one was shedding tears for him. She had but that was something Emily planned to keep to herself. He’d seen his share of pain too. It wasn’t sadness Emily felt, but guilt. 

It wasn’t guilt for doing her job and taking him down. That satisfied her. It was guilt because the setup left no choice but for Ian to fall in love with her. Nothing was more powerful than love. He’d sacrificed for her and she destroyed him. 

She had to; it was what she was there to do. He just never saw it coming. He offered her his love, his soul, his heart, and even his child. She couldn’t take any of that. She had to break herself into tiny pieces everyday and remember the mission. 

She had to lie beside him, on top of him, underneath him, and repeat her real name over and over in her mind. When he came back for her it was pure vengeance. She destroyed him and he thought she destroyed his son. The only two people he ever loved were gone…one hadn't even existed. It was so hard to get out of her mind the look on Ian’s face when he saw her alive again, walking into that interrogation room. 

It was still there…still in his eyes. There was softness, a familiarity. Dammit, he loved Lauren Reynolds. The man who said he’d never love anyone, love held a man back and made him vulnerable, loved a woman who betrayed him. In the end, love was what caused him to fall. 

Now she had to work out in her mind how she was going to live with everything that happened. It wasn’t her dirty little secret anymore; the case that got out of control but had to be finished. Everyone knew so much of what happened. Emily would take the whole story to her grave but she wasn’t dead anymore. She’d have to live with it before she did that.

“I'm sorry Ian.” She whispered. “I'm sorry that you had to die in front of Declan. I know more than anything that was something that you never wanted to do. I can't be sorry about anything else and I know deep down that you know that but I am sorry about that. 

“I hope you made peace before you died, though I doubt you did. You’re probably already being a pain in the devil’s ass. I really hope you're not in hell…I don’t even know if I believe in hell. You were such an awful human being but I saw another side of you. With you I didn’t know all the time what was real and what wasn’t. 

“I never meant it when I whispered that I loved you after we made love and I'm sorry for that as well. I knew that you meant it when you said it to me. I have to move on now. It’s finally over. I can't come here anymore…I can't let it consume me. 

“I did what I had to, first for my job and then for Declan.” Emily wiped the tears falling down her cheeks. “I loved him from the first moment I saw him and I couldn’t let him get swallowed up in that life. Even as I was, I just couldn’t let it happen to him. You’ll probably never understand that. 

“When you love something, or someone, you're selfish. I know that. And you wanted Declan to have all that you never did but that wasn’t the way Ian. He's happier where he is and he’s going to be OK. I will always take care of him. I'm not doing that for you, I'm doing it for him.”

She put her hands in front of her and just looked at the grave. It was going to take time; it was going to take a lot of time to move on. Maybe she never would. No, she had to. All of this was a long time ago. 

When it came back for her, Emily handled it. Now it was over. She had her life back and she never had to worry about looking over her shoulder again. Of course she hadn't been doing that for so long. Ian was gone, for all she knew he was dead, and she’d moved on. 

Now it felt as if her feet were stuck in cement. He threw her back eight years in just eight months. She was having those dreams again, the dreams where he did kill her. She was dreaming that he killed her family, her team, and everyone she loved. She was triple locking her doors so the demons wouldn’t get in. 

Dammit, Emily wanted her life back. Living in fear was something she had no intention of doing ever again. How was she going to stop? It was easy to put on a brave face. If the BAU did one thing it was keep her very busy. 

But night always fell; the silence always returned. And when it was dark and quiet Ian came for her. She had to vanquish him in her dreams just as she’d done in reality. Emily was still working on just how she planned to do that. How was it possible to let one big thing go while moving forward with all the small, wonderful things that happened in the same span of time?

“I thought I might find you here.”

Emily froze when she heard his voice. She sighed, turning to him as she again wiped tears from her face. It was silly but she hoped he thought the cold caused them and not something else.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I was looking for you.”

“How did you know…?”

“If I say I followed you, I'm sure you won't be pleased.” Hotch replied. “But I've been worried about you. I know the signs when you're pulling away.”

“I'm OK.” Emily lied.

“You're not.” He shook his head. “But I'm sure you will be. How come you didn’t tell me that you paid for his funeral and plot?”

“What was the point?”

“He tried to murder you.”

“I did it for Declan. He’s going to want a place, someday, to come and try to make sense of everything that’s happened. I wanted to give him that place.”

“Is it that place for you as well?”

“I'm not entirely sure I’ll ever make sense of it all. I was never intent on becoming some international woman of intrigue and mystery…I was thrust into the role. I did my job because that’s what I do. But it was never really over. Now its over and I have to remember how to be Emily.”

“There are so many people who can help you with that.” Hotch said. He reached for her hand, comforted when Emily held on. For so long they were separated. Then she was home again, in his arms, and they were still an ocean apart. Hotch had no idea how to make it better. Ian Doyle didn’t kill her even though he tried. He couldn’t have her in his own death.

“Some journeys we have to take by ourselves.”

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough of that? I'm sure it won't be easy to open up but I'm here if…”

“I'm pregnant, Hotch.”

The words hung in the air. Emily couldn’t even believe she said them aloud…this was surely not the place to talk about it. But this wasn’t just about her anymore. She had to get herself together so that she could be someone’s mother. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t stop thinking about Ian. 

It was when he asked her to be a mother to his child, to children, that she knew she had to get out. A child was a bond that could never be broken, no matter what happened between the parents. She wanted her child to be born out of love and desire and commitment and truth. Now she might finally get that chance.

“How long have you known?” he asked. 

He nearly asked her if she’d come there to tell Doyle that but thankfully his rational mind kicked in before the words came out of his mouth. She was having his child. She should be celebrating with him. They should be surrounded by the people they loved and that loved them back. 

Ian Doyle had no place in that celebration. Still, Hotch knew he had to be patient. Just because George Foyet was dead, and had been for over two years, didn’t mean there weren't times when Hotch could be right back in that moment. Emily had nearly a decade to reconcile.

“I found out for sure this morning. I took the pregnancy test a few days ago. I just…” she sighed, looking down at their joined hands. “Its time for me to embrace my happiness, Aaron. I want it so much; I want it with you. But I'm still…”

“It’s OK.” Hotch pulled her into his arms. 

He held onto her and never wanted to let go. She was back with him for good. Now they were going to be having a child. How much Emily wanted a family wasn’t a secret to anyone. He was the only one who knew about her miscarriage three years ago. 

It left them both devastated. This was their chance to share what they always wanted to share. So many obstacles fell in the way…so many things separated them. Hotch wasn’t going to let that happen again.

“It’s not just about me anymore.” She whispered against his chest. “Maybe it never was but now it’s really not.”

“You're going to make it. You already know that. All you have to do is fight and give it time. You won't be fighting alone. I know there are some places you have to go without me, without us, but we’re going to be waiting on the other side for you. We’ve always got your back, Emily. I always have your back.”

She wanted to ask would it ever be over but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. The truth was that it would. Time would heal and Emily would move on. Ian was dead…he wasn’t coming back to get her. She was seeing the shrink, whether she wanted to or not, so she could keep her job. 

Maybe she would let down her guard and talk it out. Maybe she wouldn’t. Having lived one way for over 40 years, it was hard to try to live another. But there were so many good things. There was girls’ nights, dinners at Rossi’s house, there were her father and stepmother, bedtime stories with Jack; life was beautiful. 

That’s what she would focus on. There was enough horror in the job she did everyday. She slayed demons to make the world a better place. Now it was time to slay hers. 

Emily knew there would always be a piece of Ian Doyle inside of her. You took something from every experience, good and bad. When the pain got to be too much she would just look at Declan and remember. She slayed the demon to make it better for him.

“We need to go home.” Hotch said, his arms still around her.

“I would really love some pancakes.” 

“Jack loves breakfast for dinner. I bet that would make him really happy.”

“And bacon too.” Emily almost smiled.

“And bacon too.”

“I'm going to be OK.”

“I know.” He nodded and kissed her lips. “And I'm going to stay right here beside you.”

“I know.”

***


End file.
